There are always the questions, Will he ever…? Fill in the blank. When our babies are born, we have a million big dreams for them. Then, as they grow and their struggles become more and more obvious, those dreams change. No longer do you wonder if he will be a lawyer or a doctor. You wonder if they will be able to hold a job or live independently. You grieve what you dreamed for your child and learn to accept the new reality. Overall, what your child does makes no difference. You just want them to be happy.
You just want them to be happy. That struck me this week. When was the last time he was happy? He is so angry all the time. If you ask him to do something, he responds in anger. If he isn’t being entertained, he responds in anger. Even his preferred activities trigger anger. Today, he actually responded angrily when I responded ‘yes, you may’ to a question he asked. I threw my hands up. It doesn’t matter what I do, it seems like he is never going to be happy.
I have asked myself, is it lack of sleep? He’s a terrible sleeper and I know that I am a stark raving lunatic when I don’t sleep. Is it his blood sugar and all that? I mean, after all, he can’t feel well. We’ve been running in circles trying to manage all of those things, with no answers.
I have caught myself trying to create happiness. I am guilty of buying him things he does NOT need, just to see him smile. This week I bought him a scooter, because the bike is causing far too much anxiety. He slammed the door and flung himself onto his bed yelling that he hates us. I started crying. I honestly thought he would be excited to be able to keep up with his dad and brother when they gone outside. The number of places we can go, ones he used to enjoy, are getting smaller and smaller.
He has the BEST smile, the cutest dimples. I know, I have the pictures to prove it. I looked back, because surely I have some recent pictures of him happy. Even the ones of him smiling (because he knows it will take longer if he doesn’t cooperate), there is no joy behind his eyes. The most recent picture I have showing an actual moment of happiness is from 3 months ago. Everything else you can see he’s going through the motions, but not truly feeling it.
I am so tired of spending our days bracing for the outbursts. Watching Max give in or shy away to avoid confrontation with his brother. I am sick of dealing with medicines that, while I know they are necessary (the alternative is far worse), don’t really do anything. “Support” services… that’s a joke in itself. People who say ALL the meaningless things.
I just want him to be happy. Why can’t he be happy? It doesn’t seem like that should be such a hard thing to ask for. Does it? It’s really hard for Mama to be happy when her boy isn’t. Sigh, off to bed… with the never ending hope that tomorrow will be better.
MamaBean Az 