I have struggled to write here for awhile. I haven’t been in a very good headspace. It’s been rough. I know many who write as a form of therapy. I do write for therapy, but not the kind of writing you’d find on this blog. Those who know me know I am pretty much an open book when it comes to the joys and difficulties in our world. However, there is a lot that is just too difficult to share. It’s hard to be that raw and I have a hard time discerning what is even appropriate to share. What are things that I wouldn’t want my parents to share about what I did as a child?
Recently, I was given the gift of time away. Thanks to The More Than Project, my amazing family and wonderful new friends, I was able to join 100 other women lakeside in beautiful Wisconsin to connect, laugh, cry and breathe for the first time in a long time. Okay, I cry all the time, but this was different…
First of all, the weather in Wisconsin in September kicks Arizona’s butt! No contest, it was BEAUTIFUL. I haven’t done anything on my own in over 13 years. 5 days of not having to care for anyone but myself was AMAZING! I was able to hug friends that I’ve only met online in person. There was no screaming, no aggression, no trying to meet everyone else’s needs. After the first 24 hours of panic attacks subsided… gonna need to see a doctor about that… my nerves were able to unwind for the first time in a REALLY long time.
A funny thing happens when you step back, share your story and listen to others share theirs. You gain perspective.
What I learned while during my time away…
1. You can’t always see the improvement when you are in it.
But when you step out of that chaos, you find yourself in conversations and you start to realize Wait, last week he did xyz or he said such and such. I didn’t recognize it at the time, but that’s huge! I had so many lightbulb conversations that made me realize we are making progress and I DO have reasons to hang on to hope. They aren’t big steps, but I learned a long time ago, our steps are going to be small, in our own time and place. We can’t and we can’t and we can’t, until we do.
Autism is HARD, aggression is HARD, Anxiety, ADHD and all the other letters in the alphabet soup that we call our life are HARD. I joke that I have PTSD and I’m starting to think it’s not a joke. When you are always on guard and prepped for fight or flight, it’s difficult to see the improvements. When things are exploding on a daily basis, it’s difficult to imagine that it can be any different. I see pictures of how things used to be and I get really sad and hopeless.
2. My family actually survived without me.
I say this jokingly, except not really. Jack and my husband struggle. Like A LOT. When Jack gets angry, he goes after his dad 90% of the time. I am his calm (if you can call it that)… and, to be honest, it sucks. Because, for the past year, I haven’t felt its been safe to be away from him…ever. It isn’t healthy. We recently made a med change. Which we knew was either going to be really good or REALLY bad. But, you get to the point when you have to walk away and care for yourself and whatever happens, happens.
Thankfully, everyone did great. It sounds like things were very calm, most of the time. There were no cops called, no one ran away (that I know of), the house wasn’t set on fire and everyone was alive when I returned. I call that a WIN! I joke that I will be leaving more often, now.
This week, I have seen Jack think of others before himself more than once (HUGE!), use his words to tell us he’s frustrated and overwhelmed, and he gave dad an unsolicited hug… probably for the first time ever. Today, he willingly went on an errand with dad alone. If for no other reason than seeing such an improvement in their relationship, my trip was worth it.
3. I have the most amazing husband in the world.
Okay, he told me to write that…kind of. But, he does have this really annoying habit of telling me what I was already planning on saying. Not only did he pretty much have to light a fire under my behind to make me actually go, but I was able to see how much he really does care for his family. Now, don’t get me wrong, I never doubted that. But we all know when a group of women get together there is a certain amount of griping and complaining that tends to happen in regards to how dense and senseless husbands can be.
Something interesting happened. Someone would comment on how she wished her husband would do more of something and I’d think, ‘Well, I can’t complain about that because mine does that.’ This happened often and I realized how, even though I feel like I take on the brunt of the boys care, he supports me more than he’s given credit for. I have someone who is truly in this with me and I am very grateful for that.
MamaBean Az 