I am a realist. I call it as I see it. I am pretty much an open book. If it’s a crappy day, I am not going to pretend otherwise. I am also a teacher. So, if I see an area that can be improved on, I will say something. I have often been received as rude or complaining…over critical is a phrase I have heard a lot. I try not to come across critical or condescending. That really isn’t my intent.
This morning I had a moment with Jackson. These days, he is unhappy…I would say… 90% of the time. This morning it came out as entitled, self righteous and plain bitter. I told him I was sad for him. I couldn’t imagine how it felt to be unhappy SO much of the time. I told him that it makes me sad because I know that will cause him to be lonely, because people don’t like being around someone who is that angry all the time. Making friends is hard enough.
We had this conversation in the car. As I continued to drive, I thought I REALLY hope that isn’t how I come across to others. I don’t think it is. Hopefully, I am not in denial. I thought about how last night I watched videos of him as a toddler in my facebook memories and how amazing his laughter sounded. Mostly, it made me wonder what happened and how do I get my happy boy back?
These days, I live for that 10% of the time. He has the BEST smile. He is smart and SO funny. 10% of the time he’s an absolute joy to be around. The rest of the time, I feel like I am living in a constant state of tension. Always on the edge, always ready for fight or flight.
**I wrote this last month. I let it sit as I struggled to find a way to end it. Until I realized, this is a journey and it doesn’t have an ending. I can’t tie this up into a happy little bow with amazing words of wisdom. It is where we sit right now. Hopefully, I can get back to writing about our joyful moments. But for now, it’s hard, it’s exhausting and we are looking for our joy.
MamaBean Az 